I had the experience yesterday of my soul shining. That’s the only way I can explain it; or the best way. Let me set the stage for you.
I was in a therapy session. I initially brought up how my relationship with my partner is unfolding right now. I talked about the struggles we’ve had and how hard it has been to stay and to enjoy each other sometimes. I then said that I recently did something that I do not normally do when we argue. I hugged him when he asked me for a hug. See, I get pretty overwhelmed emotionally when my partner and I argue; and I often find physical touch or words of love and affirmation to be too much. He often asks for these and I have found it hard to allow when I am overwhelmed. I am able to be affectionate when I am not overwhelmed. But, not showing even a little affection when we argue and I get overwhelmed, has had significant implications for our relationship, implications that I find are not helpful for us. So, the other day, I hugged him and he hugged me back after an argument. AND I liked it. I also thought about how I have been letting down guards in other ways.
I recently reached out to two people that I would like to be friends with and asked them if they would like to hang out. As I sat and revealed this to my therapist(Megan) emotion came to the surface and she asked me what was happening, because she could see that I was affected by my own words. I said that I was afraid they would not want to be my friend and worse, afraid they would see the real me and then really not want to be my friend. I worried that they would see how imperfect my house was, imperfect my relationship was and decide that I was not fit to be close to them in their life. That I am not self-aware enough or healthy enough to be an amazing woman.
This is what Megan and I were talking about that lead her to ask me about this pain or fear of not wanting to be touched when I am overwhelmed.
When she inquired about the pain of not wanting to be touched, an image popped into my head from a Core Synchronism session I had with Alyssa Gillespie (if you have never had Core Synchronism before, I highly suggest you try it, it is amazing!). As she worked on me she told me that it appears as though I had covered up the light of my soul when I was very young. We discussed this and It rang true for me. I did this because it did not feel safe to be so bright around one of my caregivers. I felt that if I was too bright, this caregiver would suck it from me or steal it from me. So….in an effort to not have someone pull an energetic vampire on me, I covered my light up; and continued to live this way up until now. And the truth is, I never really saw how guarded I was until the barriers started breaking away.
Megan acknowledged this and asked if she could make a re-frame of something that I had said earlier. She asked if it sounds more appropriate that the fear I thought I was feeling, was actually vulnerability. I thought for a second and let it sink in what she said. I felt into my body and allowed myself to breath while contemplating what she said; and yes, I think I was feeling vulnerable. I think there was some fear of rejection mixed in, but the overall experience of hugging my partner and reaching out for new friendships was….Vulnerability!
Megan made a gesture with her hand(like she was un-covering a light) and asked what it felt like to allow my light to shine. And as she spoke I could feel my light shine, it was as if her words invoked this sensation and encouraged me to shine. I became teary and said that I do belong in a group of amazing women and that I am amazing. At this point, Megan’s eyes were watering and I was crying because I was amazing and I could see she was touched, which touched me even more.
Then, I noticed a shift. I noticed my thoughts come online. I noticed the thought-“don’t get too big.” I noticed after this thought, the energy of my soul shine change; it became less. I told Megan, and she said that this was my Superego coming online. The dictionary describes the Superego as; the part of the personality representing the conscience, formed in early life by internalization of the standards of parents and other models of behavior. My Superego was telling me not to get too big and that thinking that I am amazing was too big. I came back to the part of my body that did feel my soul shine and connected with this. I noticed that any thoughts about things that I should do or ways I should be, made my energy shift from shining to feeling constricted. After a bit I could feel my soul shine in my bottom and lower abdomen and I could feel my perfectionism and constriction in my upper right chest and shoulder. Let me tell you, it was very interesting. I want to describe the soul shining feeling to you, it was: like resting in the feeling that I was amazing; but not an amazing where I am amazing and no-one else is, but that everyone is because they exist. Megan gave this example; a tree is amazing because it is a tree, but it does not have pretense. I also felt “right,” calm, present, comfortable, no pain. I was able to observe the Superego (there were mostly questions swimming around), but I felt no need to engage the questions or the Superego. I think this soul shining feeling is what meditators must feel when they are able to observe their thoughts and not have the inclination to act on them or get swallowed by them. I also feel that this is our true nature, love, compassion and the state of being that saints, holy men and women attain un-waveringly.
Megan says that she had an image of a natural water spring and that it was feeding me from the root of my being; the root of the spring was where my soul shine energy came from and the bubbles that moved out and up at the surface of the spring are my Superego. She said that most people act from the Superego and very few people allow their behavior and self to be motivated and driven from the root of the spring (the soul shine).
So…..I let my Soul shine yesterday and it is my want to have this be the motivator of my actions and being. If you are curious about allowing your soul to shine, contact me.
Love,
Erin